Separation Anxiety: When Does It Become A Problem?

The thought of hiring a nanny for the first time can be a daunting one for any parent. Mixed with the added concern about whether or not your child will take well to the nanny (and vice-versa!), the last thing you might consider is whether or not your little one is actually ok with you leaving for work each day – a situation that is probably totally new to them.

You and your child may both experience an element of separation anxiety as and when you return to work, which if course is entirely natural. If, however, you are worried about the level of anxiety your child is experiencing, or if this continues for longer than you think is natural for your child, it may be time to look further into how you and your nanny can help ease the situation.

What is child separation anxiety?

This is a normal part of child development, and can occur from as young as 8months. As the child gets older, it should fade away. Sometimes, however, a child’s fear about separation seems resurface from nowhere after time, or to build up more as time passes. If anxieties are prominent enough to get in the way of school or other activities, this can be a sign that a child has a separation anxiety disorder, and you may want to call on the help of a professional. There are also lots of things that as a parent or a nanny you can do to help.

Some common symptoms of separation anxiety becoming a disorder:

Complaints from the child of feeling physically ill, such as tummy ache or head ache upon separation or just before.
An irrational fear that something terrible may happen to a loved one whilst separated from them.
Nightmares about separation from loved ones.
Fear of going to school or nursery, or a straight refusal of doing so.
Reluctance to go to sleep, for fear of being alone.

Why might my child have a separation anxiety disorder?

Getting to the bottom of the reasons behind a child’s separation anxiety disorder makes you much more likely to help them. The following are common reasons that your child may be experiencing this:

Your anxieties. Parent’s own insecurities and anxieties about separation from the child are felt by your child more than you may think, and it is possible that the child is feeding from them, and learning part of this behaviour from you. Don’t panic if this rings true with you – as soon as you act in a more relaxed way around your child, they should begin to respond.
A change in normal routine – this is likely to be the case if you have recently introduced a nanny and are going back to work.
Any recent stressful situations – this might include moving house, a new sibling being born, falling out with a best friend, or the loss of a beloved pet.

Dealing with child separation anxiety disorder – Tips for parents:

Let your child get to know a new caregiver first. If you need to leave your child with a new nanny who they do not know, give them a chance to get to know each other while you’re still around, so they feel safe.
Create a positive spin. Reassuring your child that mummy and daddy are going away for a little while, but will always be home in a matter of hours, helps to give them something positive to focus on when you leave.
Talk it through. Getting down to your child’s physical level, listening to what they say and explaining that you understand how they are feeling can really help. Just as much as adults, children pick up on when someone is trying to understand them, and are likely to feel comforted by this.
Leave without fuss. Instead of reacting to your child’s anxiety by making a fanfare when you leave the house, kiss them goodbye, tell them that you will be back within a matter of hours and go.
Set boundaries. Make sure your child knows that although you understand how they are feeling and are trying to help, there are also rules that need to be followed.
Give praise. Make sure that any accomplishments, even seemingly small ones like eating all of their dinner, is praised, to help the child feel good about themselves as often as possible.

Dealing with child separation anxiety disorder – Tips for nannies:

Consistency. If you feel that a child you are looking after may have a separation anxiety disorder, try to ease them in to being in your care by continuing as much as possible with any routines they had before. The child is far less likely to feel that things are totally different without mummy or daddy there.
Listen. It’s vital to build a sense of trust up with the child, and making them feel that you want to listen to how they feel and understand them will help them to open up and feel at ease with you.
No distractions. If a child is distressed after a parent has left for the day, explain calmly that you are there to talk to them about their feelings, and give them time to come round, instead of distracting them with something else. The child is more likely to trust you and feel in control of the situation.
Give praise. Just like with parents, children will benefit by feeling a sense of achievement and being praised for any accomplishments.
Stay in control, calm and firm. Make sure the child is aware that you are the boss for the time their parents are away. The separation from their main authority figure is enough for a child with severe separation anxiety, without them feeling as though there is no authority there for them at all.

If you feel that a child is suffering from a case of separation anxiety disorder, and the above tips are not enough to help, it’s best to refer to a GP who can offer further advice.

Summer 2012 Fun Activities With The Kids!

With the days finally drawing out, and the smell of Summer hanging optimistically in the air, comes a wonderful time to think about doing things outdoors with the little ones. However – many of us feel a sensation of mild panic – how will we fill the long Summer days, and make the most of the weeks on end where there is no school or nursery to take over?

Children love being outside when the weather is fine, they can talk louder, jump higher, run faster and get dirtier. So what better excuse to lock away the games consoles and DVDs, and get some good old fashioned colour in their cheeks?! For the good of childminders, nannies and parents alike, here are our top ideas to keep children of mixed age groups occupied in the great outdoors (good old Blighty weather-dependant of course!):

Nature Drawing

If you have some woodland locally, or would prefer to just explore the garden, this is a great opportunity to wander around with sketchpads and take advantage of getting children to draw what they see. Whether it is sketching flowers, worms, trees or simply scribbling with some colour pencils for smaller tots, this is a lovely way of getting their creative juices flowing. This is also a great way to teach children the names of trees and flowers at the same time, and gives them something to stick on the wall once they get back inside.

Host your own back garden Olympics!

What better an activity for this Summer, whilst the professionals are battling it out in London, why not get into the spirit in your own way by setting up an Olympics style tournament for the children? The back garden, or local park are perfect locations, and kids will love choosing what ‘events’ they would like to compete in, be it running races, jumping into a sandpit, throwing bean bags as far as possible or whatever ideas they have! From making signs, leader boards and marking out tracks, there are many hours of fun to be had and you are sure to have stress-free bed-times after all the exercise!

Teddy bears picnic

No matter how many children you are responsible for, a teddy bears picnic is a great way for them to feel that their friends are included – whether they are fellow play mates, or a host of teddy bear friends! Set up beside a big tree for shade, cover picnic tables with gingham table cloths, and have large picnic blankets for the kids and their special friends to sit on. Make sure you send each special teddy his own invitation, and make place name cards for each one. Make some simple teddy ears for each child, by attaching ovals of brown felt to basic headbands, and paint the end of each little nose with black face paint, to make them really feel like one of their fluffy friends. Oh, and don’t forget to sing ‘If you go down to the woods today….’

Cycling

What’s that saying again – once you learn how to ride a bike you never forget?! Well, prove that you haven’t by hiring bikes with the kids and going on a designated route, or simply hitting the park for the morning. If you look after children who are too small to ride, bikes with baby seats are available to hire, and mean that everyone can be involved. www.cyclehireinfo.com offers great information and advice about hiring bikes all over the UK.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you get out there and enjoy the good weather whilst its here! Why not let us know what you plan to get up to by posting your summer activities onto our Facebook page?

SLEEP FAIRY AND PARENT RESCUE

IS THREE THE MAGIC NUMBER TO GET YOUR BABY TO SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT?

First time parenting is a challenge and the pressure can really get to you. As you have a second, and third, life can become even trickier with more little people to please.

Oxfordshire based Dee Booth, known locally as The Sleep Fairy, is a parent and sleep expert with a track record of settling babies and young children, often in just 3 nights. Her success is based on getting them into a manageable routine, and teaching parents to allow their children to learn to sleep alone. She uses her 15 years experience as a mother, nanny and parent coach to look at the problems and struggles parents are having with sleep and behaviour and how best to resolve it.

Dee said: “The most important thing to consider with babies and sleep is that every child is different and will sleep through the night, peacefully, when they have been allowed to develop the skills to settle themselves throughout the night.

A one-size-fits-all approach not only doesn’t work, but also overwhelms new parents, and often creates an unnecessary feeling of failure. This is impacted by an overload of parenting and sleep books and websites that aren’t written just for ‘your child’, whereas my one-to-one advice is all about your family, and if you follow my advice, it works.

I visit each family in the comfort of their own home, and observe the household, and their current routines and discuss the methods being used. I then work alongside them to find a solution that is right for them. Improvements happen fast and remain in place long after my assistance is over. Sometimes just having an outside perspective and making a few small tweaks is all that is needed”.

Dee’s top 5 sleep tips for parents who have tried everything else and still can’t get their baby to settle and sleep, are:

Establish a good feeding routine during the day – allow a minimum of four hours between feeds / meals
Ensure you set-up a consistent, calm, relaxed bath and bedtime routine for your baby and use this every night
Ensure both parents, and other carers, use the same confident, consistent, firm behaviour not only at bedtimes but also during the day

I do believe that with many sleep issues, simply following my advice means a new routine and pattern of behaviour will be in place after 3 nights”.

Sarah from Surrey:

“Sleep Fairy, and Guardian Angel, she saved my life and my sanity! I was at my wits end when I sought help. My 10 month old wouldn’t sleep at night or during the day, but with the Sleep Fairy’s support, guidance and understanding, Ava is now the perfect sleeper. Thank you Sleep Fairy from all of us!!”

Natalie from Buckinghamshire:

“My second son was difficult to get into a routine and Dee was a TOTAL lifesaver. I didn’t think her 3 night rule would work, but it did! He is now sleeping from 7pm to 7am or later with a 2 hour nap after lunch. The best call I ever made was to Dee!”

Dee also offers phone sessions across the UK and guidance with:

Feeding issues
Tantrums
Toilet training
“the terrible twos”
Colic
Early rising

For more information go to www.sleepfairyparentrescue.co.uk or call 07977 462252 for an informal chat.

New Years Resolutions: A Fresh Start for the Whole Family

The New Year gives us all the opportunity to start afresh. We can leave behind the previous year, and look forward to the one approaching with a clean slate.

Many people make New Years resolutions – but how can these relate to our children and our families in general?

For children, making New Years resolutions can be very beneficial. It is well known that there is little more satisfying in life than setting – and reaching – attainable goals. Children’s New Years resolutions could include learning a martial art, joining a dance troupe or an art class, or even learning to play a musical instrument.

However, it is important not to make children feel under pressure. The modern life of a child is already a fairly stressful one – the last thing children need is to feel as though they must meet their goals perfectly. Rather than rigid goals (like “I will always share with my siblings” or “I will always do my homework on time”), see New Years resolutions as an opportunity for your children to explore exciting new opportunities.

The New Year is also a great time to focus on making positive changes within your family unit. This year, alongside your usual resolutions, why not make some group resolutions as a family? Following are some simple suggestions.

Spend more time together

With today’s busy lifestyle, it is hard to find time to spend together as a family. Quality time is so important – not just for the children, but for the entire family unit. Forget about trying to find the time, because it won’t happen – you have to make time. It can seem impossible sometimes when you’re contending with long working hours, school and other commitments, but it’s important to carve out regular time to spend together. A few hours of dedicated, quality time each week is a must for happy families.

Less screens, more conversation

We live in an age where communicating has never been easier. Email, texting, social networking and phone calls have all but replaced good old face-to-face conversation. Your older children may spend the majority of their time talking to their friends over electronic devices, rather than having real-life chats. Set an example as a family and agree together to make more effort to really talk to one another, and to your own friends and relatives. The art of conversation is at risk of being lost within our digital age – keep it alive in your family.

Be present with one another

The aforementioned technological advances can also have an impact on our time spent together as a family, without even realising it. You may be in the same room as your family, but while you are, how many of you are tapping away at your phones? How many of you are watching a television? When you manage to snatch some valuable quality time with your nearest and dearest, put the screens away and be present in the moment with each other. You don’t want your children’s memories of you to be a face buried in a smartphone.

The Countdown to Christmas – How to Make it Run Smoothly for All

The countdown to Christmas is an exciting time for all of us. Advent, traditionally beginning on the 1^st December, is also a great opportunity for learning about the meaning of Christmas, as well as different cultural takes on the season.

However, the countdown to Christmas can become stressful – children can become over-excited, parents may be anxious about family commitments and financial obligations on the lead up to the big day, and all of this may end up making the lead up to Christmas a fraught experience, rather than the happy and exciting one it should be.

So how can you make the countdown to Christmas a relaxing and enjoyable one – as well as being fun for the kids? This list should be useful for nannies, childminders, babysitters and parents alike.

Shop in advance

Try to do the majority of your Christmas shopping in the months before December. This will leave you far more time to spend enjoying the lead up to the big day, rather than panicking about present buying. Although be sure to stash gifts where curious small people won’t find them! You can also encourage children to make gifts for one another in the lead up to Christmas.

Get creative with the kids

The countdown to Christmas is a great opportunity to get creative with the children. From making Christmas cards for friends and relatives, to using all manner of mediums to create beautiful Christmas decorations to treasure forever, there will never be a better time to indulge your crafty side with the little ones. You don’t need much to make lovely decorations – simple salt dough shapes decorated with cheap acrylic paints and glitter make a lovely addition to the Christmas tree. Christmas baking can also be a wonderful way to spend an hour on a rainy December afternoon – and home made biscuits, mince pies and sweets make great Christmas gifts!

Cook in advance

There are several parts of Christmas dinner that you can pre-prepare a few days in advance in order to make Christmas Day easier – and, of course, to give you more time playing with the children and less time chained to the stove! Stuffing can be pre-prepared and frozen, and you can even pre-peel and chop your potatoes the night before – just make sure you put them in a lidded pan or bucket and cover them in cold water.

Take advantage of local Christmas events

Your town will likely have a whole host of exciting things happening on the lead up to Christmas. Carol services, craft sessions, Christmas fetes and fayres can all be a great opportunity to get the children out of the house to burn off some of that excited energy! Charity tabletop sales are also very common at Christmas time, and give children a chance to choose gifts for their families without too much (if any) adult input.

Homework: For and Against

A couple of weeks ago during an interview on BBC Radio 5 Live with his wife Ruth Lansford, the broadcaster Eamonn Holmes said that he absolutely “hated” homework. Ruth didn’t offer her opinion, but you sensed she didn’t think homework was such a bad thing. The radio presenter laughed along with Eamonn’s rant and pointed out to him that supplementary work at home was thought to be a good thing for children, but his words fell on deaf ears. Eamonn argued that homework put even more pressure on parents. They arrived home from a busy day only to have to sit down and help their kids with homework that more often than not, they were unable to do themselves. Here, his wife Ruth agreed, she was useless at maths and Eamonn couldn’t get his head around geography! Homework, said Eamonn, “should be banned”.

The benefits
So where do you stand on the homework debate? It is said that supplementing school work reinforces what has been learnt during the school day. And how well children perform at homework does, to a large extent, depend on parental support. In households where parents are disinterested in homework or school in general, children are less likely to complete the tasks expected of them or to score very highly. Parental backing is crucial then if the lessons taught at school are to be drilled home at home.

Parents have pressure enough
These days, with more and more parents working, it does become difficult to set aside time for homework. It can feel like an additional chore, to echo Mr Holmes’ remarks. Anne-Marie, mother to Zara, 9 and Rory, 7, says that “It takes me all I can do to get a meal on the table when I get in from work, never mind finding the time to get homework done”. Often children have to be cajoled into doing the work having already spent the day at school. She adds: “We find it another stress: arguing with the kids that it has to be done and arguing with each other [her partner] about whose turn it is to do it”. Her sentiments will resonate with parents in a similar situation. Although you encourage your child to do well at school, homework becomes more work for you at home.

Time out
Others argue that children spend enough time at school; after school is for playing sports or participating in other activities or simply just hanging out with their friends. One parent we spoke to felt that children at least ought to be given a break from homework at weekends. Of course, older children with exams on the horizon will need to do homework to supplement school projects and for revision purposes. But perhaps children of primary school age should be allowed free time once school is out.

For and Against
From a purely academic point of view, it is said that giving primary school children homework can help develop good study habits and foster positive attitudes to schoolwork. It may also improve their academic achievement. The difference in test scores and grades between students who do more homework and those who do less increases as students move up in years. However, as one of the parents we surveyed said “They [children] will know all about the world of work in adulthood. Homework just prolongs the school day”. In conclusion then, if school days are to be the happiest of their lives maybe it’s not wise to pile on the homework!

Pink Princesses and Mucky Boys

Which one are you?
Perhaps you’re one of those parents (is it mostly mums?) who encourage their little girl to dress up as a princess or a fairy; nowadays it’s not unusual to see girls wearing these kinds of costumes, particularly at Birthday parties and other celebrations. Or perhaps you’re a parent who has decided to take a stand of sorts. You’re determined to see to it that your little girl isn’t given a princess dress and you encourage her to muck about and play with trucks as well as dolls; you say you don’t want her becoming too much of a “girlie” girl. This approach to bringing up girls might not influence their behaviour as much as you think. Recent research indicates that traditional stereotypes of what it is to be a girl or a boy are deeply ingrained in our culture.

This article takes a closer look at this study, undertaken in Ireland, and concludes by suggesting how parents and childcarers can help children pursue interests they enjoy regardless of whether they are considered “girls” or “boys” activities. First, let’s look at the lengths a Canadian couple has gone to in order to ensure that their new baby is “free” to behave as s/he wishes, unconstrained by society’s expectations of how s/he ought to be.

A “gender-free” baby
In May this year, a couple from Canada decided not to reveal their newborn’s gender to anyone, including the grandparents. They said they wished for their child, Storm, to choose who and what s/he wanted to be. Their decision, they said, was “a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm’s lifetime (a more progressive place?).” A step too far? Many of us probably think so. However, while it does seem far-fetched that a baby could be influenced by gender stereotypes, a recent Irish study indicates that girls and boys have well-established ideas about what is suitable behaviour for their sex and that this starts well before the age of nine “probably in the cradle”.

Gender identity
Traditional stereotypes of boys playing football and girls wearing princess dresses are as pervasive as ever, according to research into Ireland’s nine-year old population. In general, the boys who were interviewed explained how other boys “played football and rugby” while girls “did ballet”. Only boys said they wanted to be chefs and footballers, and only girls wanted to be hairdressers and nurses. Even though the research was carried out in Ireland, we can assume that children in the UK have similar attitudes, given that our cultures are so alike.

And while the study’s authors acknowledge that biology plays a part in influencing girls and boys activities, with boys being physically stronger than girls, “biology does not explain a disposition to like pink and to be able to manage a Hoover [a vacuum cleaner]. It doesn’t explain why boys see school as more for girls and why all boys seem to feel obliged to be fanatical about football.”

Social and cultural influences
Influences such as fashion and television as well as attitudes of their parents/elders are no doubt responsible for children’s concepts of gender. The way in which women and men are portrayed by our consumer culture makes it difficult for parents – and by implication, their children – to avoid stereotyping. When babies are first born they are met by a parade of pink or a barrage of blue. And it continues thus. While we may consider ourselves liberated from antiquated notions of what a woman or a man “is” or “does”, traditional stereotypes still hold sway as the Irish study highlights.

Does it matter?
What are the implications for our children now and in the future? When one considers that figures for the UK as well as Ireland show that girls’ participation rates in sport falls well short of boys’ and that girls outperform boys in education then findings such as these give cause for some concern.

How can we help?
While it is not possible for us as parents and childcarers to change the one-dimensional versions of female and male proffered by our consumer culture, we can do our best not to impose limits on children as to what they can or cannot do. This involves giving your girls the option of playing with toys or participating in activities that are usually associated with boys and vice versa. As the co-director of the Irish study, Prof. Sheila Greene puts it, “When stereotypes are given full rein, children’s choices and their freedom to be the person they want to be can be curtailed.” We may not go so far as to hide the gender of our children, but we can help our children explore every aspect of themselves regardless of gender.

Learning to Say “No”

Four years ago, UNICEF caused a stir with a report that ranked British children as the unhappiest in the industrialised world. Now it has compared the experience of children in the UK with that of their counterparts in Sweden and Spain – countries that came in the top five – in an attempt to discover why. Again, the UK is found wanting. The research suggests that parents lose out on spending time together as a family, due in part to long working hours, and often try to make amends by buying their children designer goods and toys.

“Brand bullying” pressurises parents
“Parents in the UK almost seemed to be locked into a system of consumption which they knew was pointless but they found hard to resist,” said Agnes Nairn, the report’s author.”While children would prefer time with their parents to heaps of consumer goods, parents seem to find themselves under tremendous pressure to purchase a surfeit of material goods for their children,” she added.

Family interaction and outdoor play
Interestingly, children told researchers that their happiness was dependent upon spending time with family and friends and having “plenty to do outdoors”. The report also criticized British parents for using television “as a babysitter” and for allowing children to play computer games for long periods, depriving them of fresh air.

Looking to Spain and Sweden
Of course, there are dangers in over-interpreting international quality-of-life tables, as there are with interpretations of league tables of all kinds. Countries and cultures differ, and what works in one place, may not work in another. And it is a fact that our economy is dependent upon us purchasing material goods. All the same, it is worth considering the study’s findings and what it says about our attitudes to bringing up children. The study found that in Spain and Sweden, family time is prioritised and people feel less pressure to own material goods. Their example might give food for thought to British families.

How to?
So how do we squeeze in time with our children and not give them as much “stuff”? Sure, the government and employers need to do their bit to help parents better balance work and family life through more flexible and generous parental leave and flexible working. But what can we do in an effort to stop our children becoming increasingly materialistic? We need to learn to say “no” more to demands for new gadgets and/or games. This will entail spending more time with our children, rather than giving a toy to keep tears or a tantrum at bay. Or explaining to them that they can’t always have everything they want even if it is the latest item/fashion accessory that “all” their friends have. Its harder work and more difficult for us to learn when most of us have the means to pay for it. We’re not saying it’s easy!

Learning how
Think about the benefits of your child not always getting what they want. Hearing “no” now and again teaches children to be motivated, appreciative, happy human beings. To many, MORE is always better. However, if this is true then there will never be enough – because someone will always have more than you do. Constantly giving in to your child’s demands robs them of the opportunity to develop motivation and drive in their own lives. Instead they grow up over-valuing things – but lack the drive to work for those things – yet feel entitled to them and even expect things should come easily.

There is a wealth of information available on this topic in parenting books and on the internet so we’re not going to expand on it here. It seems sometimes that parents are forever being blamed for not doing enough for their children, but rather than reacting negatively to the UNICEF study or simply ignoring it, it may be helpful for couples to consider whether they might spend a little more time with their children rather than giving them things. And spending time outdoors is good for adults as well as kids. So let them run around a bit in the fresh air and you get out too. Take it easy!