settling in

Adapting to a new caregiver can be tricky for children of all ages, which they show in different ways so here are some ideas to establish a good connection, smooth the transition and ensure you get off on the right foot.

For babies gently does it. They have no notion of time so when mummy or daddy goes away they think it’s forever, even if they’ve been told it’s just 5 minutes. Spend time working alongside the parents so the little one can see you’re a trusted friend and will happily go to you before their parents go away. Investing in a secure attachment at the start should avoid further separation anxiety in the future. If they do get upset and their parents can’t come back then distract, distract, distract! Pop them in a pram or a sling and go for a walk, make their toys act funny scenes or try a bath. Most little ones love water and will happily splash around for ages.

Toddlers understand time better, but they also understand that if they cry they can sometimes get what they want – which at the start will be their parents staying home. Don’t be offended, or alarmed, if they cry consistently in the morning when you arrive. It’s not that they don’t like you, it’s that they’ve connected you arriving to their parents leaving. Create a special good morning ritual that makes them laugh. In time they’ll look forward to you arriving so they can share that moment with you. Make sure your days are fun packed but follow their routine. Toddlers can get very anxious with too much change so even if would do things differently let them adapt to you first.

Preschoolers are often confident enough to separate from their parents easily so win them over by finding out what their favourite things are in advance and fitting as much as you can into their first few days. Like toddlers they can be sensitive to changes in routine but they also understand that different places and people have different rules, so short of any massive overhauls start as you mean to go on.

School aged children can be the toughest group to connect with. Often you see them in the morning, when they’re still sleepy and it’s a rush to get everyone out the house in time, and at the end of the day when they’re tired and you have the evening routine to get through. Take an interest in them and listen to what they have to say about their day, especially if they have younger siblings who are at home with you all day long. Inject a bit of fun into every day, even if it’s just 5 minutes, so you’re not always the bad cop.

Above all be patient and kind. Children and parents move at their own pace but over time you’ll develop a great bond.

Premature babies and childcare

A baby born before the 37th week of pregnancy is considered premature. Premature babies born at 35 or 36 weeks may be perfectly healthy but slightly smaller than expect but before that they may have not had time to fully develop in the womb and need to continue developing outside. The lungs are the last organ to develop, which is why mothers at risk of preterm labour are often given steroid injections, so a premature baby may need help breathing in the first weeks and their lungs remain fragile for some time.

A premature baby who had breathing difficulties may be at increased risk of catching certain infections, such as RSV which is common in children under 5. Your doctor is the best person to advise you on the risks to your child but there is a higher chance of catching an illness in a group setting, so a care provider who comes to your home such as a nanny or who cares for a small group of children such as a childminder might be safer in the first years of life. It’s important that care providers are made aware of prematurity as they should take corrected age, rather than actual age, into account when assessing development and may need to be especially careful about hygiene. Some childminders, for example, will accept children with minor illnesses but you may be uncomfortable with that if you child is prone to infections so you will need to come to an agreement.

A good childcare provider will use their knowledge of healthy, term infant and child development to monitor progress bearing the adjusted age in mind. Most childcare courses cover child development in detail and, as premature babies may show some developmental delay, it’s important to bear the need to identify key milestones in mind when choosing a childcare provider, particularly a nanny where no minimum qualification is needed. One thing that can be difficult as a parent of a premature child is the temptation to make comparisons with other children. This is particularly obvious in a nursery setting where many children of the same age are grouped together but it’s important to remember that each child develops individually right from conception and a corrected age rather than actual age is more important up to the age of two.

It can be very difficult to take the decision to leave a child who was premature in childcare. Parents who are used to taking extra care with their baby may find it harder than usual to leave them with someone else, even when it is a professional child carer. You may need a longer settling in or handover period to adjust both baby and parent to the new circumstances.

Although prematurity can have lasting effects many babies are perfectly healthy and show only a slight delay so although it’s important to bear the circumstances surrounding their birth in mind, particularly when assessing development, most need no more care than a baby of their corrected age when entering childcare

Second interviews, trials and settling in sessions – to pay or not to pay

First interviews are very rarely paid in the nanny industry. The exception would be paying expenses or a weekend long interview, which doubles up as a trial.

Some parents will offer to pay for the time taken for a second interview. Whether you do or not is your choice, but if you didn’t give your children the chance to meet your nanny at a first interview then she’s probably expecting to come back for a second interview, and many nannies won’t accept a job where they’ve not met the children first. Shortlisting candidates is fairly standard, especially in a competitive market, and second interviews are sufficiently common that they count as part of the normal recruitment process. A second interview should remain fairly short, although you might ask your nanny to play with your children or join in the evening routine.

Continue reading “Second interviews, trials and settling in sessions – to pay or not to pay”

Attachment childcare

Most people have heard of attachment parenting, if only in sensationalised form, also known as the Sears method. The idea is that an infant is kept as close its mother, or other caregiver, as possible by breastfeeding, using a sling, bed-sharing, responding sensitively to cries and, as the child grows, ensuring that any separation is child led as far as possible. It must be said that many parents follow some of these principles without defining themselves as attachment parents but when parents openly say they follow attachment parenting some childcarers start to panic.

There is no need to worry. Although the label might sound off-putting, by entering into a dialogue with parents about how they practice attachment parenting will help you understand and accommodate their child’s needs.

1. Breastfeeding

This is obviously a logistical problem when any breastfeeding mother goes back to work. Make sure you and your setting are supportive of continued breastfeeding; know the value of expressed breast milk and how to handle it, talk to the mother about feeding times and whether she would prefer you to feed the baby just before collection or her to feed on arrival/at home to fit in with her pumping schedule, and try attachment bottle feeding.

2. Using a sling

If a baby is accustomed to being held and soothed by their caregiver it’s very important to continue this in some way during the transition to childcare and the easiest way to do this is to use a sling. Slings are a very individual decision but try asking the parents for their input if you don’t have one of your own that fits you comfortably.

3. Bed-sharing

This is often the trickiest adjustment. It isn’t advised for anyone but breastfeeding mothers to bedshare with their infants so as a childcarer, potentially caring for other children at the same time, it’s not practical. Make the sleeping area as familiar as possible. Consider asking the parents to provide a pillowcase and blanket that they have slept with to provide a familiar smell and commit to stroking or patting the baby to replace the comforting contact of their mother’s body or suggest naps in the sling. Above all don’t judge the parents for continuing to bedshare at home – it’s valuable time for them to reconnect and may allow the mother to rest while breastfeeding a baby who refuses milk during the day.

4. Responding to cries

One of the key principles of attachment parenting is a belief that cries are genuine attempts to communicate and should not be ignored. As any attachment parent of two or more will tell you this doesn’t mean running at the first whimper if you have another child to attend to, but
it does mean responding and trying to figure out what is wrong rather than leaving a baby to cry it out, or seeing whether he will settle after a few minutes crying by himself.

5. Child-led separation

Attachment parents may request a longer settling in period to gradually accustom their child to you and your setting. Use this time to observe and learn how the parents and child interact so you can provide consistency. It doesn’t mean that they don’t trust you or are hanging around to be difficult!

The nanny diary: Day 5

This post brings us to the end of our series following a nanny and a mother through the first week of a new job. If you missed the first posts you can find them here: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4. And if you’re interested in writing a guest post or a nanny diary of your own then get in touch!

Nanny:

I felt really nervous all day with the chat looming in the evening.

I had questions of my own:

Do you still want me as your nanny?

Is there anything I did this week you would prefer I did differently? Is there anything I didn’t do?

I’m glad to say they still want me! And no major changes to be made! Which is a huge weight off my mind because nannying is such a personal job that when it doesn’t work out you feel like someone has broken up with you. Three more weeks of the probationary period to go still but a good start. It turns out it wasn’t anything bad at all, she just wanted time to think about real solutions to the stuff I’d raised throughout the week and I get the feeling that’s more her style than giving a quick yes or no answer, which I’m glad I discovered now before I need to ask something really important. Plus we’re probably getting a double pushchair and I’ve got a budget and free reign to choose two to show MB which I think is a really good sign, because if they didn’t want me to stay they wouldn’t be prepared to spend money on something they don’t really want, right?

Overall today was better than yesterday. No tantrums at least and I was super-efficient at getting all the jobs done. I’m speeding up on the school run and probably getting fitter as a result and learning just how much leeway there is in the routine. It’s amazing how fast things become second nature, although I still need to check the schedule every morning before we start to make sure both boys have what they need for the morning even if I’ve put it ready the evening before.

I checked the calendar for the next month as well to give myself a heads up on anything important and it’s charge number 3’s birthday in two weeks, which brings a whole new load of challenges, not least how her siblings are going to be able to make her a card without her finding out! I’m really enjoying having such a busy job again. It’s a totally different kind of challenge.

Mother:

It’s Friday! And I don’t have piles of laundry! And the bedrooms are clean and tidy! I’m never letting this woman leave. That’s all!

The nanny diary: Day 2

If you want to catch up on the happenings of Day 1 of our real life nanny diary which follows a nanny and a mother in the first week of a job just click here

Nanny:

My legs were killing me this morning and we had even more walking today because there’s a baby class in the centre of town. The upside is I got promised Starbucks and told to make it a weekly thing because there isn’t time to go home in between the school run and class and nowhere to hang out in the middle. Yay!

We went to music class together and then MB left to meet a friend for lunch so I had to walk to nursery, only just making it in time for pick up, and number 3 came along quite happily which was a really good sign. I was a bit worried she would kick off that it was me picking her up but it was fine and she was super well behaved on the way home. I guess because MB doesn’t drive they’re all used to walking and have good road safety sense, or at least as good as a 2 year old can have. She walked part of the time and asked to go on the buggy board when she was tired which I found a bit difficult to push. I might ask MB about getting a cheap double buggy because I think my arms are too short!

I think one job for Monday afternoon is going to be preparing something for Tuesday lunch because time is really tight and we were a bit late today which pushed nap time back and the school run was a rush yesterday. Thankfully they didn’t sleep as long today and when I asked MB she said they often had a long nap Monday afternoon which I’m glad I found out now! I managed a load of laundry and transferred it to the dryer, and prepped dinner and even had a sit down to rest my aching legs before this evening’s charging around. Tuesday is normally going to be an early finish because as long as MB is back I can take the boys to Beavers and go home but today MB just wants me to check back in.

We had a good chat about playdates on the way home. When I asked about them at interview she said she was really happy that it will be possible and she wants me to feel free to arrange things for the children or have people over and then she refused to let the eldest go between school and Beavers tonight but I’m glad we had time together for her to explain where she’s coming from, and it makes sense. Plus it makes my life easier if I can just leave when MB comes home without having to do an activity run!

I really need a hot bath but we don’t have a bathtub so a long, hot shower in going to have to do and an early night. I think I’ll be able to cancel my gym membership at this rate.

Mother:

Today was, I think, a pretty good test day. I hung back a bit in the morning and even managed to put make up on before the school run. We had a quick chat about yesterday when getting coffee in between school and rhyme time and there didn’t seem anything majorly wrong. I managed grown up lunch out with a friend and met up at the school gate just in time to explain the rules on impromptu playdates. We had an activity this evening so it’s fine if it’s planned in advance and they have everything they need in the morning and they can go with a friend but otherwise only on free evenings. I’ve spent 6 months enforcing this rule after we went a bit playdate silly and I really don’t want it broken now.

The first benefit of having a nanny has become clear! Dinner is all prepared and just needs to be reheated and the shepherd’s pie was huge enough for all the family. I asked if it was okay if we ate some too and she seemed a bit embarrassed but said we could. I don’t know what she was embarrassed about because it was great.

The nanny diary: Day 1

This week we’re doing something a little different. A real life series of 5 posts detailing the first 5 days from a nanny and a mother’s perspective!

Nanny:

My alarm went of at 6.15am this morning and I practically sprinted out of bed into the shower. I needed to be at my new job for 7.30 and I really didn’t want to be late. It turns out that there is very little traffic so I ended up being 20 minutes early and parked my car around the corner and waited. I rang the doorbell 5 minutes early, which felt a little odd knowing that in a couple of hours I’d have keys and probably wouldn’t be ringing the bell every morning!

Everyone was having breakfast when I walked in and MB offered me some toast, but I ate breakfast before I left. It’s good to know I can have breakfast at work. 5 minutes more sleep! Then it was all systems go brushing teeth, putting on coats and shoes and getting out the door to go to school. There are 4 children, 2 at school, 1 doing half days at nursery and 1 at home full time, so there’s a lot to get ready and we’re going to be walking everywhere. Thankfully I have 2 days with MB at home to get all the local routes and shortcuts in my head. MB explains the rules and I’m glad we seem on the same page.

After an hour out and about we’re at home and baby is napping in the pram so we have a cuppa and run through a typical week, MB shows me how all the appliances work and shares her routine for getting the housework that I’ll be taking on done although she says I don’t have to stick to it, and once baby woke up she made a start preparing lunch while I fed baby and played a little game of peekaboo. Soon it was time to head out to nursery and fetch charge number 3. We all ate lunch together and I managed to get spaghetti sauce down my top. Ooops.

This afternoon was my first time alone with the younger two, which they spend napping, and I decided to make a treasure basket as they don’t seem to have one. They woke up just before needed to go to the school run so it was a bit of a rush to prepare a bottle and get ready and leave. I’m not used to leaving this much time for walking so I’m going to have to make a note to watch that especially this week.

After-school was a blur of taking number 1 to a violin lesson, taking number 2 to karate (is there anything cuter than a bunch of 5 year olds doing karate?), picking up number 1, picking up number 2, eating tea, doing homework/reading and getting everyone ready for bed. I feel exhausted and I have no idea how MB has been doing this on her own. Most nights she says she’ll be home by 5 so we’ll sort out the last hour and a half between us but if she has a late meeting I can see myself running in circles.

Mother:

Last night I was writing down everything I need to talk about and I didn’t realise how much I do until I was trying to consciously explain while doing it. I’m sure there are things I’ve forgotten to talk about today. I’ve also realised I’m not looking forward to the end of maternity leave and I’m feeling a bit funny about having a nanny because we’ve always used nursery or a childminder but fingers crossed it will make life that much easier.

First day seems to have gone okay. I’m desperately trying not to step in and let her find her own way of doing things. I’m also trying to feel my way through the etiquette of having a nanny. Should she be eating breakfast with the children in the morning? Will she eat dinner with them in the evening? Do I need to justify every parenting move I’ve made or is it all common sense?

I’m reassured that she took the pace of the day in her stride – it’s all go to get to nursery at 8.30, school at 8.45, nursery at 11.30, lunch and naps, school at 3.30 and anything after-school so having someone who can keep to time and get where they need is so important. Tomorrow is the day for letting go!